


Four Funerals and a Wedding

by Isis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Puns, Cannibalism, F/M, Humor, Obituaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-24
Updated: 2003-04-24
Packaged: 2018-02-25 00:52:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2602532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isis/pseuds/Isis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of Daily Prophet articles reveals Hermione's strange and deadly...appetites.  Warning is for (humorous, not explicit) character deaths out the wazoo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Funerals and a Wedding

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Minerva McTabby's [Blame Someone Else challenge](http://mctabby.livejournal.com/100254.html) for Elfiepike's request of "Cannibalistic love involving Hermione and Neville!"
> 
> [Illustration by Brevisse](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/isiscolo/845847/82426/82426_original.jpg) (inline at end of story)

## The Daily Prophet * Sunday, October 23, 2005

#### Ron Weasley Honored

A memorial service was held today for Mr. Ron Weasley, 28, who was declared legally deceased last week. Mr. Weasley vanished without a trace six months ago; his wife, Hermione Granger Weasley, reported him missing when he failed to show up to a dinner party the Weasleys were holding for their Hogwarts classmates. The investigation into his disappearance has been officially closed. 

At the service, Mr. Weasley's wife spoke lovingly and at length about her late husband. "Ron was such a good person," said Mrs. Weasley. "He gave so much of himself to his friends -- and even more to me." 

* * *

## The Daily Prophet * Tuesday, June 9, 2009

#### Viktor Krum Dead At 32

A sports era ended yesterday when Viktor Krum, Seeker for Bulgaria's national Quidditch team, was apparently killed by a rampaging tiger in Thailand's Kanchanaburi Park. Mr. Krum and his wife, Hermione Granger Weasley Krum, on holiday after the exhibition Thailand-Bulgaria match, were staying in a shelter in a supposedly safe area. On the fifth day of their stay, an extremely distraught Mrs. Krum contacted the Park authorities, telling them that a tiger had sprung out of the bushes and attacked Mr. Krum. Investigators later found what was left of Krum's body, although they have not yet found the animal responsible. 

This is expected to drop Bulgaria's standing in the World Cup ranking down to 14th place. Bulgaria is likely to offer the Seeker's position to Nicolai Gotha, who is currently playing for the Moose Jaw Meteorites but who has expressed an interest in returning to his home country. Mrs. Krum expressed displeasure with news reports focusing on her husband's sports career, saying, "The world thought of him as just a Quidditch player, but I will always remember his fine brain." 

* * *

## The Daily Prophet * Thursday, December 6, 2012

#### Malfoy Heir Lost At Sea

Draco Malfoy, son of the late Lucius Malfoy, was lost at sea and presumed drowned when the sailing yacht he had chartered in the Grenadines struck a reef and sank. With Mr. Malfoy was his wife, Hermione Granger Weasley Krum Malfoy, who managed to swim to shore. According to Mrs. Malfoy, she was able to make it to the uninhabited island of Petit Canouan, where she subsisted "on coconuts and fish" until she was able to flag down a passing boat nearly a week later. The boat's captain, Mr. Neale, was heard to state admiringly that Mrs. Malfoy "looked pretty damn good for a castaway", and credited her pluck and fine physical stamina for her unusually good condition when found. 

Mr. Malfoy would have celebrated his 35th birthday in two weeks. Sources say that the reason for the yachting holiday was to revive his troubled second marriage, which had turned quite stormy in less than a year. His first wife, Pansy Parkinson Malfoy Flint, attributed the friction in her former husband's second marriage to his marrying "a Mudblood cow with no sense of style." When asked for comment, Mrs. Malfoy retorted that Mr. Malfoy was "a man of very good taste." 

* * *

## The Daily Prophet * Friday, January 16, 2015

#### Prophet Photographer Killed On Assignment

The Daily Prophet lost one of our own yesterday; Colin Creevey, 36, was killed while on an African safari, which he was covering for this paper's Travel Section. Mr. Creevey and his bride of only five months, Hermione Granger Weasley Krum Malfoy Creevey, were traveling with Accio Gazelle African Adventure Outfitters. At some point, they somehow got separated from the group, and apparently became lost in the jungle. Denise Mzungu, spokeswoman for Accio Gazelle Outfitters, said that the guides didn't understand how it could have happened. "We searched for three days and saw no sign of the Creeveys. It was with great relief and surprise that we saw Mrs. Creevey stumble out of the jungle on the fourth day." Ms. Mzungu added that she was sorry for Mrs. Creevey's loss, and that naturally there would be no charge for the safari. 

According to his wife, Mr. Creevey lost his life when he threw himself in front of a pack of wild hyenas in order to protect her. "He was the sweetest man I have ever known," said Mrs. Creevey. 

* * *

## The Daily Prophet * Sunday, April 10, 2016

#### Longbottom Nuptials Observed

The champagne and butterbeer was flowing at the Crystal Dragon yesterday, as Neville Longbottom and the former Hermione Granger etc. etc. were married in a small but moving ceremony. This was the second marriage for Mr. Longbottom, whose late wife Hannah was killed in the Third Voldemort War, and the fifth for the new Mrs. Longbottom, whose previous husbands all died tragically under an assortment of unusual circumstances. 

The reception at the Crystal Dragon was an elegant affair. Mr. Longbottom confided to this reporter that it had all been arranged by his wife. "She's been studying a book about a famous party given by an American named Donner," he said. "As you can see, she knows how to do things in style!" Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom plan to honeymoon in the Sierra Nevada of the United States of America. Mr. Longbottom commented that this was his wife's plan as well. "She's really keen on going hiking in the mountains," he said. "And an active holiday will do the both of us some good -- I'm sorry to say we've both put on a great deal of weight over the past several years." Mrs. Longbottom took this ribbing in stride, laughing as she informed her new husband that she expected to return to England "much lighter indeed!" 

  



End file.
